I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
