i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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