remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
