My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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