I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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