Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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