you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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