I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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