the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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