At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
