dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
