I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
