Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
