every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
