I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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