I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
