you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
