I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
