No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
