if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
