why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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