Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
