I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
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It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
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I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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