You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize