I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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