You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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