so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
