I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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