Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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