Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
