I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
