If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
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I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
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I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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