Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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