Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
