someone get that fucking seahorse.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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