He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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