He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
