This house was built for laser tag.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
