shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
