Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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