Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I want her autograph on my taint
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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