I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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