I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
