When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Liz is crying about burritos again.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
