hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
