Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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