Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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