I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
