I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
