he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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