Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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