Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
