hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
