He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
