when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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