Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
