My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
