I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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