Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
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I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
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I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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