I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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