Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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